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BlahBlahBlahISmellLikeCheese
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Name: Jenny
Country: United States
State: Kansas
Metro: Lawrence
Birthday: 10/27/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: worshiping. finding new music. and enjoying old music.
Expertise: communicating unclearly.messing up.
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  AJennyGirl
Member Since:
4/7/2004
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| god shows me something great. and i love it for a day or two. and then i find another reason to think i suck at everything. and then i find another reason to trust someone. and then i'm sorely disappointed. and then i have forgotten all about the awesome thing god has shown me.
why do i spend so much more time looking down than i do looking up? why do i spend so much more time looking back than i do looking forward?
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| what do you do when you realize that your life is nothing like you expected it to be? or when you are everything you believed you never were/would be?
do you think about the crucial moments that defined the way the rest of everything worked out? do you ponder the specific thoughts you had in younger years about who and what you would be in the future? do you sit and think that 'maybe it's not so bad this way' ? do you spend anytime at all thinking about it, or do you just keep going?
someone questioned (challenged) me the other night during small group at church, "are you trying to get back to the way things were? the way you felt before? the person you thought you were before?"
and for a minute i got defensive and thought to myself, "of course not! i'm always moving forward, looking for where god is moving." and then i got real and realized that "Yes. absolutely, that is what i want. what i'm trying for. what i long for. things were good. me and god were good. everything in my life was pretty even and positive and going in the 'right direction.' why wouldn't i want to go back to that?!" but it's impossible to be who i was, or in the same place in life that i was. not possible. god is moving and changing and i can't be that person, if i want to be the person god wants me to be.
but at the same time, i know God doesn't want me to be who i am now.
where did i go wrong? how can i fix it?
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| i've become somewhat of a stalker. i'm not being creepy, i'm just trying to learn. i don't have weird intentions, i just want to know if the other person's life has been as affected as mine has. but i can't. all i've been able to find is info about the sisters. and i have no desire to be friends with them, but i feel like that's the only way to learn what i want. i'm not a manipulator, or someone with ill intentions. that part was played by someone else. i just want to know if i'm the only one that has suffered. i believe i am. me and my family. but that family, i don't think they even have a clue. i wonder.
but i'll never know. and i need to be okay with that again.
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| and just when i stop thinking about it, it comes right back.
i just hate that i don't have total control.
i don't like my life as it is. how do i decide where i want it to go?
i'm not completely unhappy, i'm just not the person i thought i'd be at this point and it makes me feel unworthy.
dirt roads and railroad ties
lead me to the end of the earth.
i tried to stop and ask for directions home,
but all i received were blurred faces and
envelopes stamped "return to sender."
i need the next watering hole
and new sandals.
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| i was given an assignment.
its supposed to help me move on and grab onto the life in front of me.
i have to write a goodbye letter to dordt, sioux center, the people there, and the dream that accompanied all of that.
i want to move on. i want to 'get over it.'
but i'm not ready to say goodbye.
i'm not ready to believe that i can't have it all anymore.
but i also don't want to be that weird 35 year old still living with her grandma, working some dead end job, and still talking about what might have been.
i don't want to get stuck.
it was such a good dream. it was in my hands. and now i have to let it go so i can grab onto a new dream.
what dreams may come.
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